Author Topic: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.  (Read 530 times)

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rocket625

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8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« on: May 28, 2015, 04:42:28 pm »
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BEING THE MOST OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN IN THE WORLD
By Rob Fee
MAY 28, 2015
 A Step by Step Guide to Being the Most Obnoxious Sports Fan in the World:
If thereís one thing people are passionate about itís extreme couponing. If there are two things people are passionate about itís extreme couponing and sports. Friendships have come to an end and divorces have been filed because of sports. Heck, there are people in jail right now because their passion for their favorite sports teams superseded common sense. So how do you become the most obnoxious fan for your team? Hereís a handy guide thatíll have you alienating friends and strangers alike!

1. ABD
This is the most important rule of all. Always. Be. Drunk. It doesnít matter if youíre at a game at 10am on a Tuesday or if youíre at a friendís house for a dinner party while the game is casually playing on a TV in the background. You need to make sure you are completely plastered 2 hours before the game even begins. This is the foundation that will make the rest of the steps much, much easier. Plus, what kind of fake fan drinks so little they actually remember the game the next day?

2. Constantly try to prove that you would be a better coach
Just because youíre sitting 845 rows from the field doesnít mean you should avoid yelling your play calls down at the coaching staff. Your advice is so much better than what that idiot is calling anyway. ďGet a touchdown!Ē you yell. Thatís a good strategy. Itís weird that the coach was going with any other plan because your method seems way more effective. When they do something wrong, yell at the coaches. When they do something right, take all the credit. Itís the only sensible thing a true fan would do.

3. Yell things at strangers minding their own business
Can you believe a Mets fan decided to come to the bar and watch them play when youíre CLEARLY a Braves fan? The nerve of them! Itís even more pretentious that they decided to wear a jersey of their favorite player and quietly applaud good plays by their team. You canít allow this. The only sensible thing to do is loudly question their sexuality and suggest different, elaborate ways for them to have sex with themselves. Remember, you can be as loud as you want for your team and youíre just having a good time, but if they say anything itís a sign on confrontation and they are personally disrespecting you.

4. Fight somebody
You have a career, a family, and social responsibilities, but all of that doesnít matter right now because youíve had 26 Jack and Cokes and someone just asked you to quiet down a little. Who the hell do they think they are? So what if youíre yelling out obscenities at full volume in the middle of a TGI Fridays on a Saturday afternoon? Those parents shouldíve known that youíd be betting on Florida State to cover the spread and therefore would be yelling the f word more than Pulp Fiction. If that pencil neck geek wants you to calm down, you let him know that things can easily be settled in the parking lot. And if the cops show up, youíll fight them too. Youíre a free bird and this bird you cannot cage.

bruins-ducks-fight
5. Always make sure your favorite team is whichever team is popular
Geographical location, family heritage, or favorite player may be a good reason for some to have a favorite team, but not you. Your favorite team is whoever has the best chance of winning a championship or whoever most recently won the title. You own several Yankee caps with a couple of LeBron, D. Wade, or Bosh Miami Heat jerseys. Most laundry days are tough because you have to choose between your Seattle Seahawks jersey or your New England Patriots championship t-shirt. The only thing you know is that they win and therefore they are your favorites. You can never be disappointed if your favorite is always the winning team, right?

6. Remind anyone that doesnít like youíre team that theyíre just jealous haters
The NFL decided Tom Brady and the Patriots cheated to win games. If someone is upset by this, itís not because they donít like people using unfair advantages to win, no no no. Itís because they are stupid, jealous haters who are just upset that their team doesnít have four championship rings. The Patriots record another teamís practice to help them win? Well if you have a problem with that then I suggest you stop sipping on that Haterade. Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder? Wow, could you thirsty haters find anything else to complain about? Sorry you arenít the best and get to play in one of the easiest divisions in the NFL.

7. If you donít have a team, donít let that stop you from cheering against someone elseís favorite team
Sometimes you end up watching a game with a group of friends and you have no dog in the fight. But the people youíre with care deeply about who is beating who. In that situation the most important thing to do is become a diehard fan of whoever your friendís team is playing. If youíre surrounded by Falcons fans and theyíre playing St. Louis, it doesnít matter if the last time you watched a Rams game Marshall Faulk was getting carries; you stand up and scream in their faces every time they gain a yard while audibly praying for Matt Ryan to blow out his ACL. Thatís what a true fan would do.

8. Be Drake
This one might be a little specific, but if anyone knows the art of being an obnoxious fan itís Mr. Started From The Bottom, Now Iím Best Friends With Whoever Is Winning. Thanks for setting the standard, Aubrey.
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Skullet

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2015, 04:45:36 pm »
wtf, I ain't reading all that
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Stab

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2015, 04:51:44 pm »
wtf, I ain't reading all that
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Not the worst. Not even close.

Dog

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2015, 05:09:57 pm »
wtf, I ain't reading all that

Read the first line of each paragraph and you'll get the idea.
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JohnPaul

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2015, 05:16:45 pm »
I plead guilty to counts of #1 , #2 , #4 and double - guilty to #7   referee1

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2015, 05:49:21 pm »
This also doubles as .poop membership qualifications... Minus being Drake. :koolaid
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Ralph In Orlando

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2015, 06:17:27 pm »
Yustin fits the obnoxious fan profile to a T. Right down to the low sloping forehead and wide jaw suitable or grains and small rodents.
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Justin NoCal

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2015, 07:44:52 pm »
Yustin fits the obnoxious fan profile to a T. Right down to the low sloping forehead and wide jaw suitable or grains and small rodents.

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rocket625

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2015, 07:50:58 pm »
wtf, I ain't reading all that
of course your not
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Learjet89

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2015, 10:43:26 am »
I ran into 1-6 at the Patriots-Bengals game last year  :uhh
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Saluki

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2015, 10:55:30 am »
NFL fans are teh worst
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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2015, 11:06:42 am »
NFL fans are teh worst

Quite right my friend!
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frankinhouston

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2015, 06:56:34 pm »
rob fee is a dolt.

f
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Ralph In Orlando

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Re: 8 steps to being an OBNOXIOUS SPORTS FAN.
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2015, 09:52:18 pm »
Frustrated Mets fan is frustrated.

that transparent huh?
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